Oh, Okay VMAs

When I was younger the MTV Video Music Awards were pretty much a big deal. It was the only place to see musicians state their case on a hot button issue in their acceptance speech or the place to see Britney Spears performing with *NSYNC in an elaborate high school stage set up. I don’t really watch them anymore, but I gave it a chance for the sake of ridiculous entertainment on an otherwise boring Sunday night. Well, and those rumors *NSYNC would be reuniting, but more on that later. So, here’s what I thought of them.

Warning: These are my opinions (and unfunny jokes) and mine alone. You can feel free to disagree, but remember everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My opinions often are meant to be more sarcastic than they may come across in text. If you’re cool with that, keep on reading. 

  • Miley Cyrus + Robin Thicke, let’s start with you guys. What the hell is happening here? It looks like the nightmares of a child stuck in a Build A Bear after closing time. Just a heads up about your hairstyle there Miles, Gwen Stefani already did that one and much better. As if I couldn’t dislike Blurred Lines any more, the meter grew about 17 more levels of hatred. Girl needs to put on some clothes and stop twerking. We get it. You aren’t Hannah Montana anymore, but you’re about to go over the deep end like the mountain climber on a Price is Right game. Robin Thicke, did you say Beetlejuice 3 times and steal his wardrobe when he appeared? What would Dr. Jason Sever have to say about this?*
  • Best Hip-Hop Video: I’m starting to wonder if MTV even know’s what hip-hop is, but congratulations Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, you’ve just joined the ranks of such hip-hop all-stars like Sisqo and Jennifer Lopez.
  • Kevin Hart: Okay, you’re not hosting, and you did have some pretty great jabs at *NSYNCs expense, but did you get your wardrobe from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?
  • Kanye West: Let’s talk about this intro, the audience has just entered the Church of Yeezus Christ. Except this church is filled with voice altering microphones, a backdrop of a wooded area, and a lot of angry jumping? Is this an interpretive dance of the birth of jumping or is this commonplace in the Church of Yeezus Christ? Can we outlaw those voice altering microphones though, really?
  • Daft Punk: Really? Another award show for you guys? I can’t even turn on television without seeing you guys on some award show. The Tony’s, the Oscars, those newly televised customer service awards from the Marriott downtown. Give it a rest.
  • Taylor Swift: Why do they bother nominating anyone else against Taylor Swift? Then she wins, gives the surprised act, and then calls out the man who the song was about. Girl, calm down. He deserves and award for just putting up with you and you’re need to write albums at their expense.
  • Justin Fucking Timberlake: Let’s just start a slow clap. This man performed for like 20 minutes straight. He deserves a vanguard award. Honestly, if *NSYNC didn’t even come out, I still would have been entirely stoked. But *NSYNC did come out for a total of 110 seconds, and tried not to look really old. Like that classic SNL sketch where Horatio Sands plays a really old member of a young boy band. It’s in the Joshua Jackson one. Look it up. If I was ABC World News, Justin would be my Person of the Week. Kudos to Justin for being a real performer, and cashing in on an actual talent. You know, not parading around in his underwear. Which wouldn’t be all that bad in retrospect…but he’s better than that.
  • Macklemore, back to you. I get it. You speak out for injustices and such. Awareness is great, but I don’t have to like you. I’m sorry. Your music is catchy so keep on keeping on. I’m just going to pretend I don’t have to watch this performance and it’s praise 19 times on every news channel.
  • Artists to Watch: Who?
  • Drake: You started from Degrassi. Everyone knows it. This joke never gets old. Give credit where credit is due. We all know you dated Ashley, she took E, and hooked up with Sean Cameron in the upstairs bedroom. We know you were mad at Spinner and your BFFs now. We won’t forget!
  • Taylor Swift…again: We really don’t see enough of her at award shows. It’s a shame she never comes to these things. And saying “shut the fuck up” while someone is talking is so classy. I’m not even a little sad about what Kanye did to you all those years ago.
  • Justin wins Video of the Year for Mirrors because OF COURSE HE DOES! 

After Justin won Video of the Year, I turned off the show. I didn’t even wait to see Katy Perry perform her new song. The whole time I was waiting for Will Smith to run on stage and start rapping Parents Just Don’t Understand. I’m not a parent, but I still didn’t understand half of these performances or who these people were. Sure, some of them are famous and thrown into the upper echelon of household names, but others I had no clue about. Every year these award shows get more and more extravagant. They are becoming less about performance value and more about how many distractions they can make, tweets they can get, or how talked about they will be tomorrow before everyone forgets. The VMAs really showcased all of these. They are all different types of artists. Some apparently perform with talent, some are creative, and others, well, they just want to be a headline filled with poor taste and shock value. One thing is for sure, there were two really cool things that happened at the VMAs last night and they were:

*NSYNC reunited, and it felt a little underwhelming. It was Justin’s achievement award, and it’s great he included them as part of his journey to where he is today. He could have left them in the dust, but he didn’t. Like he said, we “asked for this,” and we got it….for 110 seconds.

This happened. I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know why Richard Simmons was at the VMAs. I don’t know why he decided to put a bird on it as far as his outfit is concerned. But this picture exists.

What did you guys think of the MTV Video Music Awards? If you dared to watch them…

*This is a reference to the great 1980s television series Growing Pains. If you’re old enough to remember this, you probably shouldn’t be watching the VMAs. I include myself in this statement. 

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