I’m a 25-year-old and like most 25 year olds, I completely despise reality television yet get sucked in time and time again. Sorry, I can’t help it. How can I despise such “realities” displayed in classy form? Well, as a teenager during the rise of reality television, I can honestly say enough is enough. Much to my own disappointment, I am drawn to television train wrecks. That’s not to say any person who participates in such programs is a train wreck. That is just merely how their lives are cut and pasted together by editors. Hey, I’d sign up in a second for my own hilarious television show. Who wouldn’t? Now for no purpose whatsoever, I took one for the team and watched an hour of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo so you didn’t have to.
Disclaimer: this is an attempt to be humorous but too much crazy is hard to put a spin on. No offense is intended.
For those not familiar with Honey Boo Boo, Alana, was first documented in an episode of the widely acclaimed series Toddlers and Tiaras. By widely acclaimed, I mean highly criticized and for good reason. It’s actually scary. On the show she drank a highly caffeinated beverage called “go-go juice,” sang Justin Bieber in her Daisy Duke costume, and coined the phrase “a dollar makes me holler honey boo boo child.” Now where one might turn off the television set and walk away, TLC said “give this child her own television program! Ratings! Ratings! Ratings!” Well, I imagine that was said. In the first episode of this new series, Alana introduces the viewers to her crazy family: her sisters: “Pumpkin,” “Chickadee,” “Chubs,” and her parents “Mama” and “Sugar Bear.” Just when you think I’m making this up…it gets better. I’m not judging their family by any means. All families are crazy in their own ways, but they just keep being them. It’s excellent. In this episode the family attends the “Redneck Games.” I guess that is a real thing. Hooked in yet? If not you’re about to be! Mama describes it as “It’s all about Southern pride, similar to the Olympics, but with a lot of missing teeth and a lot of butt crack showing.” Contestants at this particular show of athleticism engage in events such as bobbing for pigs feet and belly flopping into a pit of mud. Not just pigs feet..real pigs feet. Move over Ryan Lochte, I think we found the real athletes. I stared in shock and awe as this took place. The real lesson learned in this episode was from Mama: “Please, women that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on … All that vajiggle jaggle is not beauteous.”
The second episode Mama and Sugar Bear buy Honey Boo Boo a pig as a pet after losing some pageants because who wouldn’t do that? Naturally the boy pig was named Glitzy and has big plans of being put in (dragged into) some of Honey Boo Boo’s pageant routines. Alana and her sister get into a discussion about if the pig will be gay to which Alana supplies one of the brightest moments in the show “He can be gay if he wants to. You can’t tell him what to do.” Glitzy also sleeps in a pack and play which is my first thought for a pig to live in. Another section of the episode is used to showcase an attempt to refine Alana up a bit with etiquette lessons. The etiquette woman looks like she has landed on a completely different planet. I for one, love my square qualities, but anyone who wants to be a “lopsided, obtuse triangle” by all means you be you. Later on in the episode, Alana and co attend an auction where they bought discounted food. I had zero clue these even existed! It sounds like the most brilliant idea in the world. Discounted food close to expiring auctioned off to the highest bidder?! If I didn’t have a billion dietary restrictions or believed expiration dates weren’t suggestions, this would be great!
All in all I couldn’t look away from this show. I sat in utter amazement for an hour.
Here’s what I learned:
- Redneck Games is a real event
- Beauteous is a word
- You can buy food at an auction to save money
- Pigs can be gay if they want to and gender doesn’t matter when your name is Glitzy
- Pigs love to sleep in play pens made for children
- A women’s lady parts apparently look like biscuits
Hey this family is bold enough to say take us as we are. Like us or not we don’t care and that’s definitely more than I can say for my own family. I admire their ability to go on television and just go with it. It takes guts to open yourself up to such scrutiny even if you were already on Toddlers and Tiaras. I’m not saying the things they do are right or wrong, but boy are they entertaining as sad as that may be.